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Cloning Myself for the Holidays
December 8, 2003
by columnist Lynn Nichols

Does it seem to you that just as soon as you settle down on the couch after a heaping plate of turkey (or Tofurkey) on Thanksgiving Day, all of a sudden it's – poof! – December. And you know what that means. It's colder, the snow is falling (like the plastic flakes on a movie set as I write this) and the stores are playing incessant holiday tunes (oh no, not "Up on the Rooftop" again!). But that's not why I find the holidays stressful. For me, my December challenge comes down to one word – OVERCOMMITMENT.

You see, even though it's one of those months with thirty-one days, there just aren't enough of those suckers (or enough hours in them) to take part in all of the concerts, carol sings. Messiah sing-alongs, church gatherings, festive holiday parties, annual meeting pot lucks, end of season sports award dinners, craft fairs, holiday bazaars and, well . . . I could go on and on.

So this year, I've decided to do something about it. I'm going to get myself cloned. That way I can attend more than three things in a single day, I won't be half as exhausted and I won't have to take so many showers and do my hair and makeup so much. One of my clones can relax around the house while the other is dashing from shop to shop, trying to remember where I last saw that particular sweater or cute hat. The home clone will sip hot chocolate (or Fair Trade coffee) and lazily gaze out the window, just like on the Hallmark commercials. The shopping clone can get all of my holiday errands done, while the outdoorsy clone can go ice skating, snowshoeing and cross-country skiing. Meanwhile, the artistic clone can go to the opera and symphony and the civic-minded clone can go to holiday tree lighting ceremonies and community carol sings.

There, that's settled. It's a plan. And, after all, cloning worked for Dolly the sheep, and she doesn't look much worse for the wear and tear. Now all I have to find is a team of scientists and a health plan willing to cover the procedure! But while I'm searching (which may take awhile), happy holidays to all!

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