As a former New Yorker, with ties that still bind me to that chaotic, busy, exciting, scary, and eclectic city, I felt the world I knew crumble like the Trade Center Towers did late Tuesday morning.

When I first heard the news I was on a planning break at my school where I teach fourth grade. I thought..."oh no problem....a little plane...shades of the Empire State Building...a few floors...an accident...what a mess...hope they're okay..." and other thoughts that allowed me to survive. A colleague came to me in tears an hour later...telling me it was the end of the world...dense I still didn't get it.  In truth the disaster was not made crystal clear to me until noon. That's when the school department of Springfield passed a typewritten communiqué to all of its teachers.

I lost it...right there in the doorway of my classroom...the school counselor's face registered shock at my reaction of bursting into tears..."Are you Okay? Should I take your room? Can you teach?" Despite my desperate thoughts...Mom...Dad...Sister...Step Dad...my son's father...all in NYC...I still thought..."they'd eat you alive"...and so I re-entered the room still crying but determined to be with my students. The department told us to use discretion in telling our students...taking into consideration their ages and developmental levels. I did. I refused to turn on the television and instead opted to tell them the truth using plain language and inviting questions. We dialogued for an hour...the students asking questions and trying to make sense of it all...and then retreating into their own worlds. Eventually I even made the observation to them that they were resilient and strong to absorb so much information and then act as if nothing had really happened.

Well in truth that is what allowed us all to survive this horror. Our resilience, the ability to retreat into fantasy, humor, meditation, or into a group to coalesce. Our abilities to assimilate the information, find a way to show support, pitch in, volunteer, donate blood and/or money, leave your home and go to the rescue sites, write letters, poetry, commentaries, or send cards. Our inclination to be out loud and proud patriots, show our country support, fly our flags, be more open and neighborly, remember to not take each other for granted, and flock back to our spiritual houses to share our fear, anguish, prayers, stories, concerns and hopes for our present situation and future well being.

But what of the future...will the old testament "eye for an eye" reign supreme in our nation's heart...is that type of retaliation our future reality? I fear that solution. It entails the war machine's turbines whining at a higher pitch, the economy being rejuvenated through the death of our young men and women. The unemployment generated by this disaster would be alleviated by the war machine's gluttony for more workers.  Isn't there already enough mourning going on in our world for the lives that have been obliterated by these terrorist attacks?  What do we prove if we fight fire with fire? Are two wrongs a right? Is that what we Americans wish to promote? And then again are we an intelligent and mature enough nation to promote peaceful means of prosecution of the criminals who perpetrated this catastrophe upon us? I only have questions and many fears. What of my 14 year old...if war is chosen then will he be a victim too? A "protracted action" could last long enough for a draft...it's all too scary. And really unacceptable to even consider.

By 8:30 PM Tuesday night I knew that all of my family members had survived...and I was very grateful and very fortunate. The Universe had smiled upon us and spared us. I decided to promote my ideals of peace, unity, community, and patriotism with a renewed vigor. Each and everyday I find time to speak, sing, write, or do artwork that is directly related to themes of peace. I work with my students each day to build our world up and learn to resolve our conflicts in peaceful ways. I talk both realistically and idealistically about ways we can all help our world. I promote the ideas of inherent worth, dignity, respect, and our interconnectedness. And when all else fails...and sometimes it does...I find a quiet place and pray in a steady voice to strength...first my own, and then for the rest of the world.

Thank you for asking for us to share with you...I'll be looking forward to see others' stories and ideas.

Kirsten Johl
Greenfield, MA

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