Here we go, tumbling headlong into the scrum of the holiday season. And in the hectic jumble of the holidays, I worry about all the folks who get left behind. You probably know who I'm talking about — the poor, little people; the ones who toil away, day and night, night and day, working their fingers to the bone. The folks at Hallmark.

Oh sure, we take it for granted, but those boxes upon boxes of holiday cards that have popped up like mushrooms in every store on the planet, don't just appear like a Christmas miracle. Oh, no! The fact is, behind every one of those cards — those meaningful, from the heart, you said what I was thinking so much better than I could have — is a real, live, writer. Yup, someone who actually gets paid for thinking up that slop. 

And the holidays are an especially tough time for these people. Because while folks like you and I are out there lapping up the eggnog and fighting over the wishbone, the dedicated staff at Hallmark are wracking their brains (not to mention their typing fingers) squeezing yet another touchingly appropriate Kwaanza card out of the grinder. 

And remember: holiday cards — they're not just for holidays anymore. Heck no, Hallmark has a card for every occasion. Birthdays, anniversaries, engagements, divorces, marriages, re-marriages, second and third divorces, hang-nails, hysterectomies and herniated discs — there's a card for all life's major milestones — and an awful lot of the minor ones too.

There are cards for baby's birth and baby's shower. But I did notice something missing in the beginning-of-life category. How about a card for conception? It could read "Hey, congratulations. We heard you hit the target!" And while there are plenty of cards to acknowledge a christening, there seems to be a dearth of greetings for Jewish infants. In the interest of fairness, how about a line of circumcision cards? I suggest: "May the good Lord bless you with long life — and may He bless the rabbi with steady hands!" or "Congratulations on your circumcision. Hope they take just a little off the top!"

But lest you think that I buy into this crap: Ask any of my relatives or friends when was the last time Eve actually sent them a birthday, anniversary or holiday greeting card? I'd rather spend five minutes on the phone with someone on their special day than kill a tree in their honor. In fact the only greeting cards that I've bought all year are the locally made ones I get at the Co-op. My present favorite has a photo of the back end of about a dozen naked women frolicking under a waterfall. It's blank on the inside, making it perfect for any occasion. Come to think of it, I better get out today and pick one up for grandma. Hanukkah is right around the corner. 

Send your friends a link to this page.

(Back to Eve Droppings)