I ignored the symptoms for as long as I could. After all, doesn't everyone need a forklift to get themselves out of bed in the morning? I'm pushing forty, so I figured it's just natural to need a little help putting on my socks, right? Everyone needs a nap after walking to their closet. That overwhelming urge to lay down on just about any horizontal surface — why that's perfectly normal. And everyone loses a large rodent's worth of hair in the shower every day, right?

Oh, I rationalized away all the symptoms until the goiter appeared. Try as you might, you just can't ignore a goiter. Oh, that bulge in my neck? I'm perfecting my bullfrog impersonation. 

So now I'm having all kinds of funky tests to find out exactly what kind of thyroid disease I have. This morning I actually swallowed a radioactive pill. "Nothing to worry about," the technician told me as she handed me a horse pill in a cup. "But whatever you do, don't touch the pill with your fingers!" Sure, it's perfectly safe to eat this thing — but apparently touching it with your fingers is some kind of hazard. And I'm going back tomorrow so they can inject me with some more radiation and then watch my internal organs glow on a monitor! I guess the theory is, if I wasn't sick before I'll surely be sick now. 

The folks over at the hospital assure me that it's all perfectly safe. Yeah, safe for them, they're wearing lead! I asked the technician if I should warn people that I might be radioactive. I mean, should I stay away from small children and pregnant women? Should I ship all bodily wastes out to Yucca Mountain for proper underground disposal? "Oh, no," she assured me. "You don't have to say a word. They'll know just by the glow!".

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